Monday, September 12, 2011

I Miss My Pants

Last year I was thirty pounds lighter. I know because my bathroom scale has a 'save' feature, which now shows a little up arrow followed by the number thirty-two.

Why did I say thirty instead of thirty-two? Mind your own business.

So, I'm looking at my gut in the mirror. You remember those old commercials where these kids find a fat belly someone lost on the beach? Well, it looks like that, but with these wings of blubber that sweep around the side. Picturesque, I know.

I groan. "I've got to lose this weight. Again."

Except that since I wasn't saying it outloud, it was more like: 
I've got to lose this weight. Again.
You know... in my head.

Next, I do some arm flexing. Arm flexing makes guys feel better. We have visions of being recruited by Journey and using Kung Fu to school Chuck Norris. I quickly realize it's been ten months since I seriously weight trained. My arms are (apart from pasty white)... normal... now.

I look myself in the eye... I mean... I look my reflection in the eye, and shake my head.

*Sigh* My reflection hangs his head in shame.

Nobody gives me a guilt trip like I give myself a guilt trip.

With slumped shoulders, I walk into the closet and start pulling out pants. I'm a blue jeans kinda guy and I have seven pairs coupled with seven pairs of jean shorts. Unfortunately, when I lost all my weight, I gave all my fat boy jeans to Deseret Industries and bought new ones. That's what you do when you lose weight, right? You celebrate by getting a new wardrobe!

Currently, I have two pair of jeans and two pair of shorts that 'fit' and that's stretching the truth (Ha! A double entendre).

Fortunately, my diet cycles tend to be able to drop fourteen pounds in two to three weeks, so I know I'm only three weeks away from having my 'new' clothes back. That doesn't sound too bad. Especially since I don't look forward to having to buy back my fat boy jeans...
Chuck Norris Killing Fat!

I need a Reese's Big Cup.

Does Slim Fast have that flavor?

P.S.  Since I mentioned my good friend Chuck Norris, did you know that he was in all the Star Wars movies as, 'The Force?'


  1. Good luck! Dieting is hard--you must do a super strict one if you drop that much so fast!

    I tried a Slimfast once in college and I didn't like it...

  2. Last diet I tried was the stupid CGC one, where you have to stick yourself with needles every day. It worked--I lost 25 lbs in three weeks... but it was because I was restricted to 500 calories a day. I was starving myself. Anyway, it was supposed to be a six week diet, I quit at three. It worked, but I think my mind decided to rebel, and I not only gained back the 25 lbs I lost, but put on an extra few besides.

    I hate diets. Good luck.

    *laughs like Nelson and points finger*


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